By way of reductionism, a relationship of any kind falls into the simplicity of two camps. ‘Now you see me, now you don’t’, is a twist on the magician’s phrase regarding an ‘it’ or a person but the idea applies to your presence and absence, on a number of levels. Firstly, in stating the ‘bleedin’ obvious’ as we say in England, the physical representation of somebody is hard to deny in the real world. It can and does happen, of course, every day and within spheres that are medical, legal, educational or other social entities: places where people are treated differently on account of their skin, sex, height, weight and or religion.

More complicated takes on that are the said and the unspoken. Expressions where a measure of impact reflects back in a tone, movement or flash of the eyes. In fact, validation or rejection loom large as ever while on the other side of a net is an opponent, should you want to see them that way. A person you need to interact with daily and with whom elements of pain are unwittingly shared. The dynamic is recognisable across different relationships but none more so keenly, it seems, than our love lives. Connections built on evolutionary needs that in turn require subtlety, in pursuing a mate to create a legacy.

It’s a contradiction that might stop making sense as baser instincts try and compensate for a lack of understanding, when it comes to competing. These aren’t your usual tournaments in which one side wears a colour that’s different to yours unless, of course, it’s covering muscle and bone. Yet, the similarities are endless where we act out on a turf that’s sometimes more homely than it is away and where if we’re lucky, the ref sees a foul designed to halt play. Clearly, it’s not always possible to know what the terms are if we’re trying to fix an issue that’s as stubborn as it is painful.

As Esther Perel, the psychotherapist and relationship expert of ‘Where Should We Begin’ said, in a TEDtalk:

‘So reconciling our need  for security and our need for adventure into one relationship, or what we today like to call a passionate marriage, used to be a contradiction in terms. Marriage was an economic institution in which you were given a partnership for life in terms of children and social status and succession and companionship. But now, we want our partner to give us all these things, but in addition I want you to be my best friend and trusted confidante and my passionate lover to boot, and we live twice as long.’

So, a frail relationship is like an already weakened plant buckling in the aural violence of building work. The rippling vibrations of rivalry and obstinance are loosening the fibres of adhesion that, in turn, are carrying the weight of emotional stress. What, then? Well, if the perennial isn’t moved it’ll die while talking therapy has been said to work, too. In other words, taking action with a solution offers the chance for renewal of something.

When it comes to people, that thing may arrive in the chair of a therapist; a couples therapist to be precise. Someone who’s trained long and hard with garnering patience, to sit and help those whose ability to communicate has fallen into chaos. Those once loving whispers gradually turned sour with competitive strikes made intimately surgical, in knowledge of one another. So, it’s less of a pitstop and more of a last one with desperation pushing reality to view the inner workings of trouble made normal, each and every day.

Well, as a therapist absorbs, dissects and reflects the refrain, layers of light begin their descent to a system so limbic, it’s not hard to see why there are people in pain. In fact, in subconscious and unconscious travelling we’ll find answers to the fighting, insulting and the downright humiliating. Answers lurking where we’d never find them without the help of a counsellor to mediate the suffering which in the end, may lead to a break-up anyway. A split along lines acceptable to all and where recovery begins, in its curative dance.

So, what does the process involve?

Experience suggests that initial feelings of anxiety are bound up with the make-or-break tone of it all which on the one hand can act as a propellant, in terms of your motivation to heal. On the other, it can add to a sense of catastrophism that in turn, confirms a belief to burn it all down. Only sitting with the therapist can tease out the direction two lives should take. Once there, though, a gentle ice-breaker can take place as the therapist asks questions about you both as individuals as well as a couple and in doing this, he or she will get a glimpse into your dynamic. Yet, it goes without saying while it should be said that trying to hide or disguise it, is a waste of time. Why?

‘One good thing about acting in films, is that it’s good therapy.’

Denzel Washington

Well, most obviously it’s like taking your car to a mechanic and then refusing to say what the problem is. It’s a waste of energy and money: in addition to which you want the car on the road, as soon as possible. Of course, the analogy only stretches so far because ultimately, we’ll disguise our feelings to avoid pain and rejection. Therapists inherently understand this and that a meandering path awaits all involved. Meanwhile, a deep dive into family and social histories may take couples to places they’ve been to before but in the absence of a listener and skilled negotiator.

So, as sessions progress, the therapist may try and understand your attachment styles and perceptions of threat. They’ll try to diffuse the competitive nature of conflict by calling it out as it happens which helps to place a couple in real-time awareness, regarding emotional regulation. They’ll certainly encourage learning to listen while promoting vulnerability, as a positive thing. These and other tools should help you in your attempts to communicate and connect, with someone you once considered an ally. Similarly, in separating your thoughts, feelings and actions from gratifying moments of vengeance, you’ll make room for a calmer environment in which it’s easier and possible to trust.

Emotional conflict is so counter-productive with effects on general wellbeing that are staggering, to say the least: meanwhile, energy is consumed in a number of ways as your mind tries to win or compensate. It’s cost-shifting in another vein as you force a partner to pay what you won’t and where survival depends on the ability to juggle stress, anxiety and elements of blame. In fact, censure flows in both directions when heartache’s on the line, leaving truth somewhere out in the rain as it waits patiently to shine.

Naturally, beneath it all, we see ripples of existentialism as vulnerability and rejection as well as threats and pain, tear us in half through a fear of a loss. The cost of bonding and loving that defines not only humanity but our animal cousins, too. So, that idea of being seen and beyond the obvious is important as it takes in therapy and yet, its absence is why people end up on a sofa in the first place. It often flies below the radar, too; so, if a partner keeps interrupting, for instance, mid-way through a sentence, it’s a competitive act that needs to stop. It’s basically saying: you don’t exist to me which is a trigger for conflict or resentment or both. Still, as with so many things, there’s a caveat based on a country or culture and where for some, interrupting or being interrupted is seen as perfectly normal.

Dr Orna Guralnik, the clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst from the television documentary series ‘Couples Therapy’ also said, in a TEDtalk:

‘You can make universals. There are certain things that are always true. You know, it’s always true, for example, that all of us need to do better listening. That’s a universal truth, and you will solve a lot of problems if you listen better, and you regulate your emotional response. But we can know all of that and then in real time, it all flies out of the window. So it’s not that there aren’t universal truths that will make everything better, but in real time, people are in the grip of whether it’s their inner world that colours the way they see reality and the grip of that inner movie, that’s going on all the time.’

Ultimately, though, for any type of relationship, interrupting is as much of a problem as is not being listened to and the reasons why are clear. Both represent a suppression in communication first and foremost while at the same time, declaring a psychological threat. Over the top? Not, really. Numerous studies have shown that we experience social rejection in the same way that we process physical pain which in itself, is our big red flag for peril. So, the next time we find ourselves locked in battle with anyone, at all, let’s just ask a question in that are we seeing the other person as a form or are they a living entity, too?

‘Marriage is tough, man. Marriage is real fucking tough. Marriage is so tough Nelson Mandela got a divorce. Nelson Mandela got a fucking divorce. Nelson Mandela spent 27 years in a South African prison, got beaten and tortured every day for 27 years, and did it with no problems Made to do hard labour in 100-degree heat for 27 years, and did it with no problems. He got out of jail after 27 years of torture, spent six months with his wife and said: “I can’t take this shit no more!”

Chris Rock, ‘Never Scared’ Show, 2004

‘I have announced that I don’t want a boyfriend and they’re like, but you could get one! I know. I love men, but I feel like men are like dolphins in that they should be enjoyed on holiday – and they’re very intelligent, almost as smart as people. But that doesn’t mean you should have one in the house. Why would you have one, what a disaster that would be.’

Katherine Ryan, 2018

Asking that simple question in terms of how you see somebody before you need to sit on a sofa might just help, if you end up doing it anyway.

Copyright © 2024 | recoveryourwellbeing.com | All Rights Reserved

Images:

Silent Communication, by Vika Glitter, Pixabay – Main Image
Couple’s Counselling, by Cottonbro, Pexels
Coffee Time, Pixabay

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