often when faced with the unpalatable, only delectable defences will do
Of the things we take through life, one or two underline the struggle more than most and we tend to know what they are depending on how we feel. So, in trying to be okay, for example, we’ll cherry pick feelings of pain and if the stakes are high enough, deciphering reality can take up a lifetime of denial and enmity, too. The nature of that clash reflects back as an inner narrative fights with itself but the fact that it’ll run for as long as you allow it, shows where your attention is at. It’s the brick-by-brick approach to esteem as windows shatter as fast you replace them until one day, the small print reminds you that self-inflicted damage isn’t covered.
Still, for some, these are flags for the weak: mere excuses for not mastering an ego but then the truth often outs itself, no matter which barriers are left in the way. Those shields are usually effective, too, in coming with opposite functions. Resilience, for instance, is a positive measure: a process chosen at some point in the mix in resolving to try and handle whatever life throws. On the other hand, what seems like a false economy allows us to plaster over gaping wounds.
‘Turning against the self. We turn to defence mechanisms to protect ourselves from psychological suffering. So it sounds paradoxical to say (as Anna Freud insisted) that hurting oneself – being angry with or loathing oneself could be a defence. It’s a matter of what we find most frightening. There may be many things which scare us much more than disliking ourselves.’
The School of Life, on Anna Freud
Well, defence mechanisms have probably been around for as long as we’ve been on two feet, but it was Sigmund Freud and psychoanalysis that gave labels to the unconscious strategies designed to make us feel better. That’s shorthand for a mammoth topic in which the mind conjures up reasons, for trying not to look at itself. So, whether it’s treating one or a number of people badly or simply denying the truth of an act: projection, repression and other defences step around a trap door you’d rather stayed shut. Yet, interestingly, what lies through that portal is precisely what gives the mechanisms such power. The more painful the truth the stronger your defences, which over time separate you from any kind of healing.
So, when it comes to facing who we are or who we think we are on the back of others saying who we might be, those defences move faster than a fly wearing glasses. In fact, as you deal with humiliation by pretending it’s not real or you wrestle with guilt while denying it’s name, you’re already locked in a swirling battle as you race hopelessly to the floor. Then the louder you scream the tighter the grip as your self-esteem constricts leaving you starved of breath, let alone with options. Of course, there are plenty in real terms and the quicker you see the facts, the sooner you’ll find comfort.
‘Because of its phantom nature and despite elaborate defence mechanisms, the ego is very vulnerable and insecure, and it sees itself as constantly under threat. This, by the way, is the case even if the ego is outwardly very confident.’
Eckhart Tolle
That solace is certainly needed when turning in on yourself may lead to a meltdown of epic proportions. In fact, it feels true to say that self-hatred projects outward like a solar flare because it’s a combustible, psychological element the human body can’t contain. That’s evidentiary rather than profound, and it’s a straight up choice between internal flames and scorching the Earth.
‘The human mind has a primitive ego defense mechanism that negates all realities that produce too much stress for the brain to handle. It’s called Denial.’
Dan Brown
Naturally, with eyes facing out into the world it’s easier to project in our view of others but that’s not to say, we’ll see the subtext behind it. Of course, for some of us projection overlaps where another mind is difficult to feel emotionally let alone accept and so it often undermines the basis of communication. So, it’s a theory of mind or the ‘Theory of Mind’ formulated by Premack and Woodruff in 1978 that explains some of the human condition and why perhaps, a lack of one makes it easier to speak of and hear negativity. If we can’t imagine how another person feels then a weak bridge to empathy makes spite possible but ironically it underscores gossip, too, where it feels better to talk behind a back than to hurt someone’s feelings. At times, though, answers appear in the style of what’s missing where talking about others means avoiding yourself and that may be a lack of theory of your own mind.
Why?
Well, if you can’t read yourself how can you possibly read others and as we all know, reading psychological states that are spoken or otherwise is a radically important tool at home, at work or anywhere else. This means, construing a mere look can be the line between a dispute or a more pleasant afternoon and how many times a day can we run into that? Less worryingly but just as existential is a sigh while rubbing the stomach and from that, we’ll infer hunger or maybe pain; yet, from there, the words: “I’m starving” as someone makes a sandwich is a cue for most people, to break out more bread. Until that point, it’s essentially mindreading and a 2022 study, describes the process.
‘Theory of mind (ToM) is the ability to attribute mental states (i.e., intentions, emotions, desires, beliefs) to oneself and others, and to understand that others have beliefs, desires and intentions different from one’s own. It is a fundamental aspect of social cognition that influences interactions with others and individual behaviour across a range of interpersonal contexts.’
Simona Raimo, et al, ‘Cognitive and Affective Theory of Mind across Adulthood’
The words ‘different from one’s own’ are central to the point because questions can be asked about a relationship between self-loathing and a lack of empathy towards others: or that theory of mind. This seems logical from the point-of-view that self-contempt is basically a lack of empathy towards yourself, which might make understanding others harder. With this in mind, research carried out in 2021 looked at the issue but the anger induced, related to negative feedback and frustration as well as autobiographical recall. All three may well lead to or include your personal rejection of you, but the study’s discussion found insignificant links between induced anger and empathic tendencies, shared affect, compassion, theory of mind and confidence. Equally, it was important for the study called, ‘The Influence of Anger on Empathy and Theory of Mind’ to note that there are various reasons as to why empathy may be impaired:
‘Different mechanisms are conceivable through which anger interferes with understanding others. Regarding empathy, the frustrating event preceding the angry state such as goalblocking or personal offense might lead to a higher focus on one’s own needs and thereby reduce compassion and consideration of others’ state and needs.’ [Para 6]
An interesting point, while it was noted in the summary of the ‘autobiographical recall’ aspect that:
‘However, when only looking at ToM [Theory of Mind] questions, participants of the anger group performed slightly worse than the control group, indicating that anger did impair their perspective taking.’ [Para 51]
That seems relevant because in the end, life will keep doing what it does and in the process: we’ll be tested in all sorts of ways, meaning buttons will be pushed as cages are rattled. Meanwhile, maintaining handles on a theory that’s cerebral in and of itself may keep us connected, in one way or another. In fact, dealing with those internal flames seems like an imperative and one without question or time to waste as those micro-messages continue to do what they do, too, but in the face of resilience and defence mechanisms, as strong and determined as ever.
Still, incredibly or terrifyingly or at the very least both, modern technology is now performing in theory of mind tests at levels matching or surpassing humans by certain definitions, which raises a truly astonishing question.
Have we really created machines that are more capable of empathy, than we are?
Again, according to specific criteria perhaps not for now but then it’s an emotional arms race, we really shouldn’t be losing.
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Images:
Rage, by Mindworld, Pixabay, AI Generated – Main Image
In a Box, by Mart Production, Pexels
Hands Up, by J.P Miller, Pexels
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