We’ve all done it to more or less extent but just what is it about saying adiós, namaste, au revoir or zàijiàn that’s so wrenching in its capacity, to overwhelm? We know the answers, of course, making it no less easy to navigate an impending separation but for so many people: a life spent in avoidance of the fact seems better than facing it at all. There’s nothing surprising about that. The simplest sayonara is a constant reminder of something deeper and relentlessly potent. That strange reality of ashes-to-ashes and a severing of ties shaped across a lifetime that becomes in itself, the toll of being human. For some, it means the expense is unjustified while at the same time, guarding a wary heart is simply sabotage.

It’s true, we’ll work hard to evade the inevitable if it means delaying whatever we fear most which may come, in a variety of situations. It might be a casual wave off to school or work or perhaps a farewell, at a traveller’s terminal. It can be children leaving home or a departing spouse after months or years of marital breakdown but still, the impulse may be the same as stepping away releases the tears. Emotions wrestling with the strain of time, too, where often not knowing when you might see is as stressful as parting, in the first place. Naturally, it’s not to say that all reactions are the same where degrees of separation are matched or mismatched, with levels of personal resilience.

‘What is that feeling when you’re driving away from people and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing? It’s the too huge world vaulting us, and it’s good-bye. But we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies.’

Jack Kerouac, On The Road

So, in terms of your own life, think back to a time when you bid arrivederci. Was it expected or a shock? Were you accepting or not? Was it friendly or couched in wrath? It makes a difference in terms of how you cope and the idea of a well-balanced exit, seems important. So much so that in 2020, a group of researchers devised a study, called ‘Saying Goodbye and Saying It Well: Consequences of a (not) well-rounded ending’ and through it, reported:

‘Every period in life eventually comes to an often foreseeable end, yet research on how people cope with foreseeable endings is sparse. In 7 studies, we investigated whether people benefit from ending in a well-rounded way, that is, with the feeling that all that could have been done was done and with a sense of closure. Across the studies, we observed that well-rounded endings were associated with positive affect, little regret, and an easy transition into the next life phase.’

It’s real enough and along with death, all sorts of things can shape a goodbye from the type of bond to the power differential especially over who initiates what and how, with well-roundedness typically exposed. In turn, acknowledging the experiences of all concerned is a way of processing levels of pain, if any, and particularly where it may not be even. So, as the study suggests, closure is often the elephant in the room or the hole in a wall and dealing with it, is inescapable. For many, though, it’s difficult, as well, where it involves letting go and that can pull up feelings from the past, whether distant or recently accrued. Yet, it’s so easy to dismiss on account of the years and where confidence once fled in a panic, but in the end it’s too raw to pretend or ignore and that requires courage, as well.

It means staring into an abyss of sorts to deal with that fear of flying but not of the skies, instead it’s the mind and where going solo leads to a reckoning. For some, that’s a gauntlet readily picked up while the shadow of a mountain is the fear for others and known to many, by another name. So, separation anxiety is a crushing condition in which as it says on the tin, the internal panic at the thought of an exit leaves a person emotionally crippled. So, over time and with babies and children it’s been well-documented in attachment theory where the pioneering work of John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, helped to fashion our modern view when it comes to nurturing infants.

‘All of us, from the cradle to the grave, are happiest when life is organised as a series of excursions, long or short, from the secure base provided by our attachment figure(s).’

John Bowlby

In adults, the story is the same where attachments are said to have formed evolutionarily for protection and nurturing by members of the group, one of whom may have joined you in parenting. So, with a mutual need for security and stability forming bonds that brace an anxiety, when it comes to adieu: it’s hardly surprising that it turns into work when at it’s most basic, it’s a low-level attachment loss. That’s not news and it’s just the way it is but the script is important in setting a context because it’s only when we see what’s at stake, that the graft of goodbye begins to make sense. In turn, that raises more questions over how you might feel when it comes to an act, nobody really cares for.

At two ends of a spectrum: a leopard mother tenderly licks the fur of a cub as a group of chimpanzees gently sniff and caress the body of a recently deceased, family member.

Wild animals are adept at moving on, when the environment demands it in no uncertain terms. In fact, to linger is to offer yourself up on a platter as the long goodbye salivates around a corner. For people, though, the luxury of holding off until we’re ready allows us to move on, in a way that’s well-rounded. That’s a vital piece of living, too, in ensuring progression and as the days turn into years, the doubts become rewards. So, saying goodbye is like walking through a door where at times you’ll force it but at others you’ll be pulled: meanwhile, there are moments when the tension is mutual. Regardless of how it happens: choosing grace in the midst of it all is a better place to be, both now and forever.

As John Bowlby famously said:

‘The human psyche, like human bones, is strongly inclined towards self-healing.’

With that in mind, we move inexorably towards further goodbyes but in the knowledge that the process of loss, grief, growth and motivation carries us off into something new. Surely, that’s a way of being, we shouldn’t let go.

Copyright © 2024 | recoveryourwellbeing.com | All Rights Reserved

Images:

Parting Couple, by Wandering Pear, Pixabay – Main Image
Funeral Procession, by Cottonbro, Pexels

References:

PBS Editorial, ‘Separation Anxiety: Letting Your Child Go’, PBS Kids, 14^th August 2012, accessed 19^th June 2024, https://www.pbs.org/parents/thrive/separation-anxiety-letting-your-child-go

Asirah, ‘Saying Goodbye Is Hard’, Student Health and Wellbeing, The University of Adelaide, 25^th February 2023, accessed 19^th June 2024, https://www.adelaide.edu.au/student/wellbeing/news/list/2023/02/16/saying-goodbye-is-hard

Stephen Garvey, ‘Empty Nest Syndrome: Grief, Anxiety and Depression’, Counselling Directory, 5^th October 2023, accessed 19^th June 2024, https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/memberarticles/empty-nest-syndrome-grief-anxiety-and-depression

Jackie Bryant, ‘Saying Goodbye to Your Future, Along With Your Marriage’, Harpers Bazaar, 4^th September 2018, accessed 19^th June 2024, https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a22841511/how-to-survive-divorce/

Jack Kerouac, ‘On The Road’ (London, Penguin, 1^st Edition, 2008) https://www.amazon.co.uk/Road-Original-Scroll-Penguin-Classics/dp/0141189215/ref=monarch_sidesheet

Schwörer, B., et al, ‘Saying Goodbye and Saying It Well: Consequences of a (not) well-rounded ending’, Motivation Science, 6(1), 21-33, APA PsycArticles: Journal Article, accessed 19^th June 2024,  https://doi.org/10.1037/mot0000126

Ed Batista, ‘The At of Saying a Professional Goodbye’, Harvard Business Review, 7^th May 2014, Para 4, accessed 19^th June 2024, https://hbr.org/2014/05/the-art-of-saying-a-professional-goodbye

‘Closure’, American Psychological Association, 2024, accessed 19^th June 2024, https://dictionary.apa.org/closure

Jill Sherer Murray, ‘The Unstoppable Power of Letting Go’, TEDx Talks, TEDxWilmingtonWomen, 21^st December 2016, accessed 19^th June 2024, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nirKw3mWB3I

‘Separation Anxiety’, NHS – UK National Health Service, 24^th August 2022, accessed 20^th June 2024,  https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/baby/babys-development/behaviour/separation-anxiety/

‘Separation Anxiety Disorder in Children’, Stanford Medicine Children’s Health, 2024, accessed 20^th June 2024, https://www.stanfordchildrens.org/en/topic/default?id=separation-anxiety-disorder-in-children-90-P02582

Anne Power, ‘Attachment Theory is the Science of Love’, TEDx Talks, TEDxWaldegrave Road, 22^nd January 2024, accessed 20^th June 2024, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9idayJyWCWs

Barbara Tizard, ‘Looking Back: The Making and Breaking of Attachment Theory’, The British Psychological Society, The Psychologist magazine, 5th October 2009, Para 5, accessed 20^th June 2024, https://www.bps.org.uk/psychologist/looking-back-making-and-breaking-attachment-theory

‘Mary Ainsworth’, Psychology’s Feminist Voices, 2024, accessed 20^th June 2024, https://feministvoices.com/profiles/mary-ainsworth

John Bowlby, ‘A Secure Base’ (Oxfordshire, Routledge, 2005) p69 ‘All of us from cradle to grave…’ quote, accessed 20^th June 2024, https://www.amazon.co.uk/Secure-Base-John-Bowlby/dp/0415355273/

Rachel Nall, ‘What is Separation Anxiety Disorder in Adults?’, Medical News Today, Medically Reviewed by Kendra Kubala, 10^th February 2023, accessed 20^th June 2024, https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/322070

Simpson JA, Steven Rhodes W, ‘Adult Attachment, Stress and Romantic Relationships’, Curr Opin Psychol, 2017, Feb;13:19-24, doi: 10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.04.006, PMID: 27135049; PMCID: PMC4845754, Para 2, accessed 20^th June 2024, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4845754/

John Bowlby quote, ‘The human psyche…’, Goodreads, 2024, Quote #7, accessed 20th June 2024, https://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/369172.John_Bowlby?page=1