It sounds as contradictory and extraordinary perhaps as an aversion to life, without hunger or pain. A wariness of all things nice and fruitful while locking down the slightest hint of a smile. Yet, deep down you know it’s the thing you want most as a civil war rages, through two types of you. So, on the one hand, you’ll have hope and crucially a plan but on the other, it’s nonsensical to expect what’s best. Well, it’s hedging your bets no matter the odds when the stakes are as high as the worst you’d imagine and that, in turn, keeps the wheels turning: allowing you some space.

Naturally, the tearing of bonds is the price we pay to feel and be alive and yet for some, unhappiness is an expense unworthy of the journey. That’s a point of sadness in itself, and stowing away from the world to guard a lonely heart is more than a false kind of friend. So, what does happiness mean to people in different parts of the world and how do the things we believe in, contribute towards it? A 2013 study, asked the same thing:     

‘These [cross-cultural] considerations show that equating happiness with the supreme universal good is dangerous unless each culture (or individual) were to create and be assessed by its own definition of happiness that would universally be considered intrinsically good for the one experiencing it.’

‘Happiness defined as satisfaction with life and a preponderance of positive over negative emotions might be able to play this role conceptually, but once it is operationalised into a multi-item survey the assumptions made (e.g, about which emotions are positive) are likely to make the definition inappropriate for some individuals and cultures.’

‘Therefore, cross-cultural research on happiness should not assume that national subjective well-being scores are reporting on something that everyone values highly, and certainly not equally.’

Mohsen Joshanloo & Dan Weijers, ‘Aversion to Happiness Across Cultures: A Review of Where and Why People are Averse to Happiness’

Subjectivity is certainly important when asking about happiness and where tied up with ideas of personal well-being: any meaning in and of itself, can sell the point short. So, with degrees of influence, we can ask again: are you afraid happiness? Clearly, people’s reactions vary wildly from outright indignation and desperate denial to quiet confusion and cracking under the question. It’s an invasive exam and one asking, no, demanding that you deal with the terrifying possibility that you are the architect of your misery and that’s a tough reveal, any day of the week.

Of course, in truth it’s not so simple and less judgemental, leaving the reasons for avoidance many and layered.

So, maybe in never feeling good enough or entitled to some joy, you’ve acted in ways to sabotage yourself. Patterns of thinking formed in the past and refined strategies, to keep bliss at bay. For others, the idea of happiness equates to bad things happening or becoming a bad person while elsewhere, the fear relates to not being able to control it or inviting some form of personal harm. Regardless of the route, the end result is the same where a basic part of life is beyond reach as your fears dominate you, once again.

In economic terms, unhappiness or its deeply-rooted cousin, depression, have long-standing roles in the performance of an economy and study after study, reinforces that. In 2020, for instance, The European Journal of Public Health looked at the unequal spread of depression and anxiety across various population groups and outcomes, in socioeconomic status. With ten of the seventeen countries being Nordic and six of the remaining seven lying in Western Europe, the results showed an inevitable difference while noting further research was needed in southern and eastern Europe. Yet, before that and in the conclusion of a 2014 study, the following was said:

‘This study adds to the evidence that fears of positive emotions are important features of mental-health difficulties. Unaddressed, these fears can block positive emotions and may lead to emotional avoidance of positive affect thus contributing as blocks to successful therapy. Therapies for depression may therefore profitably assess and desensitize the fear of positive emotions.’

Paul Gilbert, et al, ‘Fears of Happiness and Compassion in Relationship With Depression, Alexithymia, and Attachment Security in a Depressed Sample’

This makes sense, where happiness itself is an emotional threat while forming for many an existential one, too. In fact, the mere thought of losing it is so powerful: many prefer that internal unrest where sabotage rains on their enjoyment of life. It’s a big problem as self-destruction damages paths, leading to the things you actually want. So, maybe you’re in line for a promotion at work and it’s something you’ve chased while fearing responsibility, at the same time. That may lead to your late arrival each morning, when it’s rarely if ever happened before. Or perhaps, you’ve met a decent and loving partner as your low self-esteem tells you that you’re still not quite good enough.

However it manifests, a lesser of supposed evils seems to be at play and the fact that you’ll do anything to avoid satisfaction, tells its own story. It’s of no surprise, either, when a human tendency for assuming the worst or a ‘negativity bias’, grips each and every one of us. In fact, ‘playing it safe’ is as natural as breathing as it ensures we’ll keep on doing it.

Interestingly, something else that makes sense is the idea of bliss aligning with your actual desires, no matter what they are. At first glance, this seems as obvious as night follows day or vice versa but a closer look, reveals the weight of social mores and values. Critical factors in processing worlds within worlds, within a world. A cross-cultural study published in 2017, for instance, outlines this perfectly and ‘The Secret to Happiness: Feeling Good or Feeling Right?’ tested the idea that happiness aligns with traditional labels, like ‘love’ and ‘peace’:

‘What emotions should people strive for to be happy? Consistent with Aristotle’s claims, our investigation suggests that people are happier when they experience emotions they desire, whether such emotions are pleasant or unpleasant. To the extent that people desire emotions that are consistent with their values, this suggests that happiness entails feeling emotions that are valued, as determined by the unique personal, social, and cultural context of each individual.’

This led to the intriguing find that anger and hatred can make people feel happy, too. On a humanistic level it’s of no surprise, at all, but in benevolent terms it’s a bit of a shock and so why might we ask, would anger make someone happy?

It seems to contradict so much of what we’ve been taught from Sunday school and church to actual school and beyond, in that nastiness makes others unhappy but none more so than you, the deliverer. Well, on the one hand, it could explain the popularity of anger and hatred but then deeper questions arise over an internal sense of peace: where ‘peace’ is independent of external forces or values, in so far as it is what it is. A sense of physical calm. Naturally, the value of that tranquillity is also a factor. Yet, if being angry makes someone happy then a ‘fear of happiness’ seems misplaced but then another angle needs attention, too. You see, with rage or in some cases conflict or drama addiction: it fuels the need to win an argument, which always makes people happy. In other words, some people are simply addicted to competition.

With a 98.8% share in our DNA: our closest living relative, the chimpanzee, is famed for its capacity towards competition and violence and it seems to be enjoying itself, which might be anthropomorphism, in projecting our emotions. The point is to reflect on what may be a deep-seated source of relish that, in turn, brings with it a profound sense of despair – depending on where you sit, in relation to conflict. Nevertheless, for an understanding of chimpanzee behaviour and society, Jane Goodall’s work in the Gombe of East Africa from the 1960’s onwards is required reading: particularly with respect to ourselves. ‘In The Shadow of Man’ and ‘Through a Window’, have long since altered a sense of what it means to be human.

So, in returning to the original question: how do you deal with a feeling of inevitability that may or may not be true and which cripples, a sense of motion? It’s as big a question as many with the answers often found in therapy where a fear of happiness, spills its long trail of destruction. Some of the effect lies in the way it cuts off things at source, so that as you try and understand why you’re sabotaging parts of your life: you’re nowhere near the post code of the problem feeding it.

In 2014, Scientific American magazine quoted Dr Paul Gilbert, a clinical psychologist at Kingsway hospital in England and author of ‘Psychotherapy and Counselling for Depression’, as saying:

‘Some people experience happiness as being relaxed or even lazy, as if happiness is frivolous and one must always be striving; others feel uncomfortable if they are not always worrying. It is not uncommon for people to fear that if they are happy about something, it will be taken away.’

Absolutely, and yet in trying to handle the impact on your life, it’s as well to remember:

‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.’

Obviously, it’s easier said than done but if you’re looking for a lesser of evils: why shouldn’t that be it?

Copyright © 2024 | recoveryourwellbeing.com | All Rights Reserved

Images:

Contented Eyes, by Stocksnap, Pixabay – Main Image
Panicked Retreat, by Olly, Pexels
Happy Jumpers, Belle Co, Pexels

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